This is something that I have wanted to write about for a long time, but couldn’t find the words. We have had many posts about Post Partum Depression, which is a very near and dear cause to our Boxy Momma hearts. This is something that, in one way or the other, effects all moms. Some have a harder time with it than others, but it’s something to be aware of and not be ashamed to talk about.
Something that I know from personal experience that is very hard to talk about is pregnancy loss. Over 10 years ago, we were trying to get pregnant for the first time. I have endometriosis, which is a condition where your endometrium tissue grows outside of your uterus instead of in and can cause a lot of different issues with getting pregnant. I took Lupron Deprovera in which, each month, I had to pick up my shot at the pharmacy and take it to my doctor. I would then get a very painful shot in the back area of my hip. This treatment is meant to put your body into a false state of menopause, ( who the hell wants that????) in a way that when you stop the treatment, your cycle and things may regulate. It can also cause endometriosis to go into a form of remission.
Now, being in a false state of menopause….is just as bad as real menopause. I had hot flashes, cramps and I was the meanest person ever! After this treatment, we tried a drug called Clomid. Clomid is a medication that causes you to release more eggs when you ovulate, in hopes of increasing your chances of getting pregnant. On my second month of Clomid, we finally got pregnant with our son. I was sick the entire pregnancy, but at the end, we had a healthy baby boy! He turns 11 next week and I can hardly believe it.
We always knew that we wanted more than one child, but after all that I went through to get pregnant the first time, I wanted to have as much quality time with him as I could. Before I knew it, he was 9 and asking for a sibling. This got my biological clock seriously ticking again. So, a few months later we started trying. That’s when things got harder than I could have imagined.
Over the past year, I have had 3 miscarriages. The first, was actually right after I had a surgery for my endometriosis. They give you a test before surgery, but I was just in the early implantation stage and it didn’t show positive. A couple of weeks later, I started to bleed very heavily and I took a test that came back positive. This was crushing, but I at least knew why it had happened. I don’t know or pretend to know how each woman feels, when they experience this type of loss. To me, at least knowing what caused it, made it a little easier. Then, on February 11th, 2019 I noticed that I hadn’t started my period and so I took a test. It was positive. I was happy, but had been cramping and I just had an uneasy feeling. I went on the 12th to have a blood test at my doctors office to confirm the test results. On that next morning, the 13th, I got a phone call saying “Congratulations you’re pregnant! Call us back to schedule an appointment.” This next part is the hardest.
About an hour after I received that phone call, I started to bleed. When I called my doctors office back, they were apologizing because the nurse who checked my results, didn’t look at my HCG level. This is the level they use to measure pregnancy. My level was apparently extremely low and I never should have gotten the phone call that I did. I went to see my doctor immediately and was told that I was miscarrying and was about 7 weeks along. This loss absolutely devastated me. I couldn’t eat, I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. All I wanted to do was sleep because in sleep, I couldn’t think about it. I went on to have another, earlier along loss, in November 2019.
All of these losses were very hard for me, but the loss in February hit me the hardest and stays with me the most. With the one year mark quickly approaching, I don’t say anniversary because I use this word only in celebration, I’ve constantly reflected each month on how far along I would be. My husband and I would have a child now. My son would have a sibling. However, that is not how it went. We are still positive and continuing to try.
One of the hardest things about pregnancy loss, is actually getting pregnant again. You are constantly worried that you will lose that one too. It’s a feeling that you can’t control, and can’t make go away. Until you have that baby, healthy and safe in your arms, you can not relax. Another hard thing about dealing with this kind of loss is the communication between you and your spouse. The feelings can be very different from the mom and the dad. Men don’t carry the baby in their body and as we all know, men can have a hard time communicating or talking about their feelings.
The best advice that I can give, is just to be there for each other. One of you may be more physically upfront with your feelings, while the other harbors them deep inside. That doesn’t mean that they don’t feel the loss just as much as you do. Pregnancy loss is a very devastating and personal thing to have happen to you. Sometimes, reaching out to those close to you, can really help you in your journey to find peace with it. From my own experience, I can say to be careful who you confide in and know that there is no ” right way ” to grieve. If you need to lay in bed all day, do it. If you need to not talk to anyone, do it. You 100% have the right to feel and grieve however you feel is right. You won’t know how you will feel from day to day. All you can do is take it one day at a time, and one day you WILL wake up and it won’t hurt as much.
You will always miss the child that would have been and that yearning will never leave you. You were a parent to that child. It existed and matters. Please know that there is a support network out there and I am here if anyone needs someone to talk to, vent, or just feel heard. My instagram is under @emilycatepoteet if anyone wishes to DM me, you are always welcome. I have had many Mommas, who by sharing their journey and talking to me, have truly helped me to feel not so alone. That’s what we are here at Boxy Momma. We are here to be a supportive and caring ear, for anything that our Mommas need. I have felt that making friends with others who have shared my journey, has been an intricate part of my healing.
I am definitely not an authority on pregnancy loss, but I have experienced a lot of it. It astounds me how many people go through this, either early on, or later in their pregnancies. I hope that this article finds you knowing that you have a friend who understands. I am here for anyone who wants to either comment in the public’s view on this post or privately contact me. Either way, you are loved, please don’t give up and know you aren’t alone. – With Love, Emily